and i wish that i could tell you right now, i love you.

love.

such a complex word. most 16 year old girls claim to be in love at one point or another. but how many of us actually are? i believe that it's a matter of opinion. who am i to judge your feelings for somebody? unless i can get into your head and think and feel exactly as you do, it's completely impossible. i will never tell anyone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!" many people have tried to tell me over the years. it always made me angry, mostly because i hate being told what to do or that i'm wrong, but also because half the time they didn't know what love is themselves, or so it would seem to me. am i making sense at all?

the thing is, at this point in my life i have loved a lot of people. i'm a sucker for a sweet talker, and so much more. there are a few people who did deserve to have my heart but things just didn't work out the way we planned. i'm glad that they are still in my life and i will always remember them. on the other hand there are a couple people who did not deserve me at all. i know i sound stuck up, but it's true. nobody should be treated the way some guys have done to me. i have been used too many times to count and most of the time i was head over heels while they could care less. i'm beginning to believe that every time my heart is broken it grows back even bigger, to make more room for the future. because once you love somebody, really love them, you don't ever stop...a very precious man said that to me a long time ago and i will never forget it.

if god gave me grace, then why aren't i graceful?

there are too many people that do not even remember me and i care about them. it gets me NO WHERE! at all. why do i even bother to go out of my way? why do i feel connected to these people that were once a huge part of my life? why can't i just get over the past? thats right because i'm not a junkie. i'm nobody though, i guess. nobody cares that i exist. i am nothing, a stupid little girl, but i'd rather be nothing, nobody, or a stupid little girl then sticking needles in my arm to feel anything for anybody else. i'd rather have real emotions for the people i care about then just a bunch of lies.

i'd rather be me any day, i'd rather have a real home and real friends. not just physcotic parents who are in and out of jail/rehab or "friends" that only hang out with me for drugs or so they can look cool. i'd rather be liked for who i really am then for people think i am for the image i give off.

james and sinie are two people i can not stop caring for no matter how much they hate me. yes i will back off and stay out of their lives. i do not expect them to randomly come back, because i'm not five and i know it's not going to happen. but i love them even though i wish i could hate them very much.

cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

i just got home form muffins, we had just bought snakes and were going to watch queen of the damned but my other was on her way. so now here i sit in front of my very very old junkie computer. not that my computer shoots up(not unlike somebody i know!) but it's a piece of junk.

well i told johnny to read my blog because well i just thought that no one reads my blogs. it turns out that he reads them every day with out me telling him to. which made me almost cry with happiness. i love him more than you could ever imagine. idc how insane that sounds. he is the sweetest person on the entire planet. me and him aren't so good right now. but for some reason we both always break down and tell eachother "i love you". he makes me incredibly sad, yet oh so happy. it seems he's always making me cry either because i want to jump off a bridge or because he's so sweet. he's the only person who thinks i'm more beautiful than i do. thats just about the first thing he said to me. he's one of the only people i love more than myself...and that takes alot. he's just as selfless as i am selfish. thats half our problem, he spoils me and i only make things worse. if i wasn't such an egotistical bastard things would work out much better for us.

and i'm sick of your tattoos...

amanda is a sweetheart, i'm on her computer right now because i've known her for about 24 hours and she likes me already. which is odd because most people find my obnoxious habbits and insane personality annoying but she enjoys it. she's talking about climbing in her window drunk AHHHH!

now we're singing mix tape. i've known her for even shorter then i've known jamie but i can not wait to spend more weekends with these two. and akela even though she'd love to make me sleep in a tent outside.

sitting here blogging with jamie, talking with amanda, drinking vitamin water just feels like exactly where i need to be. i honestly feel as if i fit in here which honestly sounds lame and all but who cares? i don't. so i just wanted to make a nice little post about me new amazing friend amanda.

ILOVEYOUJAMIEBROWN

i know that you're an angel, but you could never stay true.

THIS ENTIRE POST IS ME RANTING!!!!!!!

for some reason people seem to think i am carrying a child. I AM NOT PREGNANT! just to let all of you know. there have been a few people to mention things. if i eat too much and stick my belly out i can make myself look pregnant so my brother and i kinda have a joke where he asks me when the baby is due. it's all in good fun so i do not mind. however when zach wignall asks me if i had my baby i kinda get offended. OR when people leave me picture comments asking "how far along are you?" i cry a little and start planning ways to cause them massive amounts of pain!

secondly, BELLA SWAN is the most annoying character in the history of vampire books. she just wins about how she is not good enough for EC and blablabla i'm lame bla. she makes me extremely angry. then kristen stewart just tops it all off. she is so ugly and terrible at acting. seriously what does she have going for her? she constantly looks confused, wheres bowling shirts, has a mullet, makes cat noises, has weird teeth, talks the same in every single movie she is in. i loath kristen stewart and bella swan, and i mega loath kristen stewart as bella swan. i just do not understand what is so great about her. really? she is just completely terrible she doesn't even act she just stands there and looks confused!!!

i'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what i've got.

i have just woken up and i'm sitting next to jamie my muffin :). she feels like she got hit by a train and i am surprised i'm functioning and able to put sentences together. i'm having some trouble typing right now. i feel very similar to jamie. my throat feels like i tried to swallow a curling iron. i feel washed up. i think i'm done for now.

would you like to forget?

this new post is basically a response to jamies latest blog.

it got me thinking about how all of us have pain all of us have issues. most people have had it "rough", most people have been through something they'd like to forget, something we don't deserve to have happen to us.

i find out daily that people have had their fair share of hard times, most have hit rock bottom. it's the stronger ones that have the courage to climb back out. thats what separates us all. not how we handle our problems because we all make mistakes. it's how we bounce back and deal with the messes we make. some people can fall get back up and walk away while others get carried away.

it just makes you think....

well can't you live without the attention?

i have the need to find a vice, a release, a way to vent. something to make all the pain, sadness, shallowness, emptiness, bottomless just disappear. i could live without so many people in my life i just can not find the strength to cut them out completely. i always find myself so close to letting go but i just keep them around, just in case. just in case of what? if i ever need them again? if i ever want them again, better yet if they ever want me again?
there have been too many disappointments in my life. i've been let down too many times to count or to even recall. some days i feel my entire if is just one big let down. i just feel completely useless. like i'm just somebody thats good for a laugh now and then somebody who can talk to anyone. but not the person that anybody needs. it's like nobody needs mandalyn around, she's just there. "have i ever let us down?" i can honestly say that i believe that most people would just move on if i didn't exist anymore. i mean people would miss me but not enough to count.
i think i'm the one who loves me the most. you could say that mandalyn loves mandalyn more than anything. i am selfish, i am conceded, i am spoiled, i am empty. i put myself before most people. i look out for myself more than others. it is so sad, people shouldn't be this pompous. however, i sometimes wish my friends could be as selfish as i am and do things for themselves then for other people or because of other people.
i don't know how i got to this point. all that i've been through in these short 16 years has made me bitter. "you met me at a very strange time in my life" if you compare me and my younger brother you will see that we are nothing alike. all that has happened as made us two completely different people. he is quiet and reserved. he does things to benefit others, he is shy and down to earth. while i on the other hand am obnoxious, outgoing, selfish, conceded, pompous, eccentric, egotistical, shallow, and overly opinionated. if you didn't notice i had a lot more to say about myself then about him.
i'm just going to stop here all this self loathing is making me depressed.

i've got the mic and you've got the moshpit

right now i am sitting with jamie brown. we just got back from a trip to wendys. i'm also mad at myspace because it won't let me copy the bulletin!!!

anyway we had an interesting walk to wendys. we got some frostys and everything was good. so we started to return to jamies house and it started raining. no not just raining it was pouring. not regular oh it's pouring out. we were soaked within seconds. we both were wearing our glasses and they got all fogged up so we were blind and running to the country store but then we couldn't run anymore. we made it to the country store i got some food and we waited for it to stop, eventually it stopped raining and finished walking to her house. we got some dry clothes and i then i decided to blog our eventful night :)

jamie is now telling me a story about JAYHOMAN saving her from a moshpit.

i am heaven sent...don't you dare forget.

right now explaining to jaymes why i like bmth. but anyway let me tell you about my wonderful day...

it started off with me sleeping from 6am-8am because i certain british ex coke head kept me up all night. so i got to school around 9am, for some reason they got a new lady to work in the box at the bottom of the stairs. so i hit the button and she's like "what do you need" and i'm like i'm a student and go to school?...no i need a number two with fries and a coke. so it takes her like five hours to let me in and while i'm waiting this giant spider comes down and attacks me. i have this giant water in my hand and i smack it down and scream well because i'm mandalyn...and i stomp on it killed it then the mysterious new lady was like "THE DOOR IS OPEN!!!!!" and i went in and this other lady was like "mandalyn corse you are going straight to the office" i had to explain to her that i'm terrified of spiders and it tried to eat me! then i went to school saw larry :D and i was happy.

so later on that i night i asked my friend danay if she was going to see the heisman hopefuls(my favorite local band) and she told me she'd be over in an hour. things were looking up because i kind of have a thing for the lead singer ;P. so she came and got me and we started off. there was a buch of traffic so we had to get off this exit. somehow we missed our turn to get back on high way so we pulled off to turn around and it stopped!!! we couldn't get it started again! mean while it is pouring outside...so we're stuck there waiting for her dad to come. so we tried to sleep but i had to had to eat and she needed to pee so we got out to walk to a gas station and we didn't see anything around us so we thought why don't we knock on somebodys door. so we knocked on this one house nobody answered so we went to the next house and they ended up being these amazing people. they let us in and gave us food and we watched a movie. they had an adorable daughter and a beautiful house. so it ended up being an ok night. i'm going off to bed.

deathclock.

if you know me at all or have ever talked to me for five seconds you know that i love babies. i love how tiny they are, how adorable they are, how they smell, everything. i am insanely motherly i make my friends lay on me while i play with their hair. i already have names picked out...ask and i'll tell you. i just want to be a mother. but i'm not going to go out of my way to have a child at the age of 16. i'm waiting until i'm happily married and ready to take care of 8 kids.

you're awesome/get well/happy graduation/you're fired.

I LOVE MITCHELL DAVIS!

and for some reason whenever i type "mitchell davis" i usually type "mitchell daves" haha like kids in the hall. These are the daves i know i know these are the daves i know some of them are davids but most of them are daves they all have their own hands but they come from different moms.

ANYWAY! i just bought two livelavelive shirts because i'm kind of a lavahead...he is so adorable and hilarious. i've always been random and here's this beautiful guy making videos full of randomness and factoids :D

i showed my mother some of his videos and she enjoyed them. she agrees with me, he is CUTE!(cute without the e, cut from the team).

so thats pretty much it i just wanted to dedicate an entire blog to mitchell davis and my love for him!

don't worry dearest, beauty is only skin deep

today was alot better. i was able to open my locker and my shoes stayed on all day. however, i did get ketchup on my white pants :( but one little mishap is better then an entirely horrific day.

FANCY! is also somebody that makes my school day tolerable. it makes me sad that i don't have every class with anymore "so i hear you like mudkips" he really got me through spanish without killing myself!

thats pretty much all for today :D

OHHHH! and i got ice cream.

you light the match, i'll stick around

today was my first day of school. while sitting through three DIFFERENT math classes i thought of many ways i could get out of school entirely here are some of the grand ideas i had while resisting the urge to rip my eyelids off:

1. conviently contracting swin flew

2. breaking every bone in my body

3. getting pregnant

4. buring myself head to toe so i can't move for several months maybe even years....as i typed this i realized that this one was majorly rediculous because i would have hideous scars(sorry if you do have said scars) and i would never be beautiful again.

that pretty much sums up my list of ways to end my high school career early. i had the worst first day in the history of the entire world! first of all i could not get my newly assigned locker to open. secondly i had math with my brother who is two years younger then me and about 93384x smarter then me (when it comes to math, that is). third, my shoe broke at lunch so i had to spend half of the day bare foot. it was not fun at all.

however there were a few good things about my day. such as...

CAKE! they gave us cake because we are like number one when it comes to pssa's (our ridiculous state testing)

and i got to see LAWRENCE ROBERT TOMPKINS! yes, the love of my life. he is such a beautiful man. he looked even better after not seeing him all summer. he is a great way to end my day :D

got to go wash my hair!

well don't worry sweetie cause i already know.

PEOPLE! make me angry. like Jaymes talking to me about having kids like we're just the best of freinds. Basia calling me a poser and constantly picking me apart. Dylan trying to sell stuff to jamie. people stealing my clothes and talking about me to my aunt. GOD GOD GOD DAMN. immature high school girls starting chaos over nothing, NOTHING. somedays i just think the world is out to piss me off and send me ranting. BLA!

goodbye summer '09

tomorrow i have to go back to school! i will miss this summer so much. it honestly was one of my best :D thanks to many many people like Moe, Basia, Jamie, Heather, Kyle, Johnny, Zach and Casey, Zach Baker. i will miss random trips to get fast food with zach baker, sleeping all day, watching mitchell davis videos all night, talking all night with the coke head, walking for ice cream with maureen elizabeth, cuddleing with basia, deposite, sleep overs with zach and casey, baking cookies with jamie, going to THH shows, texting constantly, swimming, filming with basia...yes i know i can do half of these things all year round but theres something amazing about summer that makes everything 100x more amazing and fun.

don't call me unkind

NOW! it is time for a real blog. this one is just going to be filled with my amazing randomness and some factoids about me. RAHRAHRAH. mitch is going to bed now.

i painted my toe nails green tonight while at moes and watching tslotat. yes that does look like i just hit a bunch of random letters but in all reality it stands for the secret life of the american teenager. i honestly find that show hilarious! the acting is absolutely terrible it makes me laugh so hard. how can anyone ever take it seriously "yes i know everything AND i have condoms". it's just too funny.

right now "baby i've got your money" by say anything is playing. tonight is my last night of summer, which means wednesday i have to go back to school. so far i have NOTHING. if i had it my way i would definetly be sleeping 12 hours daily for the rest of my life or just not ever returning to SCHS. that school makes me extremely angry. there is too much chaos and ignorant teachers/studants. uhgggg, i could slay them all and i would probably still get 12 hours a night. there is one reason, and one reason only, why i continue to attend my rediculous school...Lawrance Robert Thompkins. that man is beyond gorgeous. young teacher the subject of school girl fantacy...AHH!

it's about 12:08 and i planned on going to bed early because i can nolonger sleep all day. however , that idea did not become reality. i wonder when anybody fed alice last.

by the way, alice is my fat lard of a kitten. i got her in july and she is the love of my life. it's like having a fury infant.

i think thats enough for now. i am off to read "the heroin diaries" and possibly sleep.

p.s. i love nikki sixx <3

johnny philip

i can honestly say that i have no words for this boy. i'm sitting here trying to come up with some nice long blog about him and i have nothing. he makes me so happy, happier than anyone ever has. he is the sweetest person alive. sweeter then edward cullen and he's going to hate me for saying that because he loaths twilight and would probably rip edward cullen apart with his bare hands (along with oli sykes). to get to the point i love this boy too much :).

day one: Jamie Muffin.

HA! This blog is going to be about Jamie Brown, because while i was wondering what my very first blog should be about she sent me a picture of her new socks. It was very random and it made me chuckle. She usually makes my day. I have a few witty stories to share.

Jamie has saved me from being attacked by a creeper named steve at her grad party because my friend who shall not be named at this time abandonded me. She has also invented a silly code word for blood (muffins) because i am terrified of MUFFINS. Whenever i am at her house we bake cookies and ignore her sister. We have sat on diseased couches together. We have a love for fight club we qout it often, she loves Edward Norton and i, myself, have a thing for Brad Pitt. Jamie loves tattos and Oli Sykes. She is a myspace wizzard and will be leaving me for college land again shortly. i honestly only started hanging out with her this summer but she really is one of the best friends i've ever had. Everyone loves her, even my coke dealing cousin. I realize that these aren't really stories more like just random facts, factods about Jamie. So thats all for now. Dear Jamie, always remember....I WANNA BE WITH YOU FOREVER.