well can't you live without the attention?

i have the need to find a vice, a release, a way to vent. something to make all the pain, sadness, shallowness, emptiness, bottomless just disappear. i could live without so many people in my life i just can not find the strength to cut them out completely. i always find myself so close to letting go but i just keep them around, just in case. just in case of what? if i ever need them again? if i ever want them again, better yet if they ever want me again?
there have been too many disappointments in my life. i've been let down too many times to count or to even recall. some days i feel my entire if is just one big let down. i just feel completely useless. like i'm just somebody thats good for a laugh now and then somebody who can talk to anyone. but not the person that anybody needs. it's like nobody needs mandalyn around, she's just there. "have i ever let us down?" i can honestly say that i believe that most people would just move on if i didn't exist anymore. i mean people would miss me but not enough to count.
i think i'm the one who loves me the most. you could say that mandalyn loves mandalyn more than anything. i am selfish, i am conceded, i am spoiled, i am empty. i put myself before most people. i look out for myself more than others. it is so sad, people shouldn't be this pompous. however, i sometimes wish my friends could be as selfish as i am and do things for themselves then for other people or because of other people.
i don't know how i got to this point. all that i've been through in these short 16 years has made me bitter. "you met me at a very strange time in my life" if you compare me and my younger brother you will see that we are nothing alike. all that has happened as made us two completely different people. he is quiet and reserved. he does things to benefit others, he is shy and down to earth. while i on the other hand am obnoxious, outgoing, selfish, conceded, pompous, eccentric, egotistical, shallow, and overly opinionated. if you didn't notice i had a lot more to say about myself then about him.
i'm just going to stop here all this self loathing is making me depressed.