if god gave me grace, then why aren't i graceful?

there are too many people that do not even remember me and i care about them. it gets me NO WHERE! at all. why do i even bother to go out of my way? why do i feel connected to these people that were once a huge part of my life? why can't i just get over the past? thats right because i'm not a junkie. i'm nobody though, i guess. nobody cares that i exist. i am nothing, a stupid little girl, but i'd rather be nothing, nobody, or a stupid little girl then sticking needles in my arm to feel anything for anybody else. i'd rather have real emotions for the people i care about then just a bunch of lies.

i'd rather be me any day, i'd rather have a real home and real friends. not just physcotic parents who are in and out of jail/rehab or "friends" that only hang out with me for drugs or so they can look cool. i'd rather be liked for who i really am then for people think i am for the image i give off.

james and sinie are two people i can not stop caring for no matter how much they hate me. yes i will back off and stay out of their lives. i do not expect them to randomly come back, because i'm not five and i know it's not going to happen. but i love them even though i wish i could hate them very much.