i wish you would take my radio to bath with you plugged in and ready to fall

so i'm at jamiebrowns and i had to climb in the window because the door was locked and ray was in the bathroom (as he always is when i come in?). so i'm waiting for her to get home and i'm really bored.
this blog is going to be about nothing because i honestly have nothing to blog about. also i have no deep or interesting thoughts. the kittys smell really bad. the kittys aren't actually kittys their ferrets. <3 i have a ferret.
thats really all i have to say.
this time i've got nothing to say besides doodoodoodooodooodoooooodoooododododododooodooodododddooo

if today it gets tired today we drop out

well i have yet again gone months without blogging. and i do miss it....yet again.
the past couple of months have been eventful i broke up with that beyond amazing boyfriend. went to prom with another amazing guy and then that situation blew up. almost every situation in my life involving a guy ends up just...bad. prom was fun though. i was on prom court so were Maureen and Basia. everyone looked and felt beautiful for one night. it was also one night that we all put our problems and issues aside and just lived in the moment and enjoyed the night completely. i finished my junior year and passed math so i now i never ever have to take math ever again. EVEN IF THERES A FIRE! so i'm pretty happy about that. also, in about a month i'm going to CT for awhile. my aunt lives up there and i'm going to go visit her and get away from this town for awhile.
but what i wanted to talk about in this post was growing up because thats what i've been thinking about lately. for some reason i had this fantasy that at some point everybody grows up and become mature. however, i'm realising that for the rest of my life people will continue to act like they are in high school. some people do grow up. for some people they are mature in one area of their life but others not so much. some people just remain at the same level. maybe by the age of 18 we are fully matured? if peoples actions and thoughts really don't change from high school to adulthood then what is the difference? why do adults think that they are so much more enlightened and mature? because from what i'm seeing people don't change. they just grow up and get married and have jobs instead of dating and going to high school. i realise that as you live you experience things and learn from them but some teenagers experience alot more in their early years than some adults do through out their entire life. but what i've been realising even more is that i need to stop expecting so much from people and from society as a whole. i expect adults to act mature and not behave the way that i see people in my high school behave. i expect people my age to appreciate that they are alive and all the beautiful things in their life. but most of them have not seen how quickly life can be taken away. at times i feel very fortunate that i have this out look on life. i try and live every second of my life. whether i'm reading or writing or just thinking. i'm always thinking, always. i tell every one of my friends or anyone that is close to me how i feel about them constantly because i don't want anyone of them to die without knowing how loved they are. i don't want to die not knowing that i didn't make a difference in one persons life. i want to make as many people as i can feel loved. i know i may seem very negative and i say that i hate everyone. but i just get annoyed and angry with people. in reality i love life and everyone that is alive. and it drives me crazy when people don't want to live and enjoy life while they still have it. i'm 17 and my life i just starting i don't plan on wasting a second of it.
in life you can't focus on what you've had or what you're going to have. you have to look at and appreciate what you have right now. because theres so much that people miss because they're worried about what they used to have or what they could have. and it makes me sad and angry and just blaaaaa. i know that most people my age or at any age don't see life this way. because they've never seen how it all could end at any minute. i'm done for now, i'm going to start blogging much more. it helps clear my head.

you are second hand smoke

woah it has been awhile. today i'm really in the mood to make a blog and i really hope i start blogging again because i feel more centered when i get things out of my head and out into the world. i also enjoy the thought of somebody else taking something away from this, whatever that might be.
alot has changed in the past couple of months. it's a new year. but my life is still just as complicated. the coke head is nologer a part of the equation. i have a new boyfriend who just so happens to be AMAZING at life ahaha. this is a completely different relationship and he is a comepletely different kind of guy. he is actually decent, more then decent actualy. he's very good to me and he respects me more then i've ever respected myself let alone anyone else has ever respected me. i'm very happy with that part of my life.
my grades aren't that impressive. well, it's basicly just math. i failed math last year and had to go to summer school and wanted to kill myself. i'm not failing this year but i just can not keep up with math homework EVER. it's insane. i am just too lazy. math is the only class that i always have homework in and i almost never do it. it's sad i know. if just got off my ass and did the work i could be fine. i'm in algebra for gods sake. math just isn't that important to me.
i have also discovered a love for modeling and being in front of the camera. i have always loved having the spot light on me. and with this as a career it will be more positive and less obnoxious.
i really have nothing else to talk about. i thought i wanted to blog, that i had all of thse ideas in my head and then i get on here and it's just a fail...

the dreams in which i'm dieing are the best i've ever had

holy shit, it's been like 3498309483 years since i've blogged but i doubt anyone reads this. it's 7 on a sunday night and i have yet to shower.

i am so tired and i just want to crawl in a hole. just thought i'd let people know.

well i can't regret it, can't you just forget it?

tonight i'm staying with basia at her house. she's on her new lab top and i'm on her old computer. which is how we spend most nights, i'm used to blogging and what not with somebody because thats what we do at jamies. i miss jamie dearly. i miss alot of things about my summer.
the freedom, sleeping all day long, staying up all night, still talking to alot of people that no longer want anything to do with me. summer is long gone and the cold weather has taken over.
tomorrow i'm probably going to go freeze (freesen) at the football game. the first one i've been to all year. but oh well. some days i enjoy my life and the people in it. while other days i want to slaughter them all.
thats pretty much it.

goodbye, lay the blame on love.

so today i realized that i have had no real relationships. i've never been with anybody that actually cared more about me then themselves. OH, they all pretended to and i believed them...every single time. it's quite sad how delusional i have been this entire time.
i just wish for once i could meet a guy who is seriously going to be with me. not just looking for soemone to have sex with them.
my hands smell like hot sauce still. i'm just done, i'm just going to crawl in a hole and give up. becuase guys aren't looking for girls like me, guys don't want girls like me. random obsessive girls that have random obsessions. i'm just a mess and i just don't see how anyone could want me.
on the outside i may seem perfect. put together, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. but in all reality, i'm none of those things. i just wish the inside could match my appearance.

fear me dear for i am death.

yesterday was a pretty interesting day. it started off with me putting a bunch of clothes away then driving mitchells friend billy home then trying to get ahold of maureen...that was impossible. so then i took tina to work and went up to binghamton. after that i came home made dinner with mom and did yoga on my kitchen floor. i had to search for change so i could go get ice cream from moe while she was working. when i got over there they didn't have the ice cream i wanted so meagan gave me some free ice cream :) it was the best day of my life.
when i got home i grabbed a sweatshirt and went to kyles. i got back from there around 2 and watched some fight club then went to bed.
it was a pretty eventful saturday.

i wish you would just drink a knife!

so it's friday, and i'm at Maureens. she is down stairs showering and i am listening to dane cook. BRAIN NINJAS!!
my weekend started with me and moe walking down town to get some ice cream. it was amazing, nestle crunch flurry :D. so then once we got back and we were looking at Katherine Heigels new chinese baby we decided we HAD to watch p.s. i love you. so we walked BACK down town to rent it where i saw my dads BFFF. that was interesting people are starting to recognize me, and it's kinda odd. so then we got back and looked up lyrics for tattoos then after i sang every brand new song i could think off we started the movie. i had all i could do not to ball my eyes out completely. whenever moe heard me sigh and start to sniff she'd turn around "SHHHH don't start". this is why i love her to death.
i can not believe it is 9:16 already. i think dane cook is funny. but some people don't :P(i love how little we have in common but ily) i really don't like roman noodles. they're kinda just ok.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!

nights like these remind me of the summer of '08 when i spent everyday with moe, going to the movies with her and sean before him and sam got back together. talking all night about nothing and everything, not wanting to go back to school ever, discussing what we can't wait for, making plans we'll probably never fallow through, everyone has a best friend. but not everyone has a maureen.
so thats all for now :)

well cross my heart and hope to, i'm lying just to keep you here.

i just got back from maureens 17th birthday cinematic adventure. it started of with me driving ON THE HIGHWAY. then we got some cold stone(also known as eatable heaven). then we went to see the ugly truth which truely was just amazing. gerard butler has had my heart since i cried through p.s. i love you, also saw that with maureen odd...ANYWAY!

i had so much fun just talking with moes through the credits, she worked over the summer then school started and things have just gotten complicated it's good to know that in the end she's still my BFFF. she's just the complete opposite of me and we both know it. she makes me smile and she brings out my better side. everyone knows that i've made her open up a little more and she's made me alot less obnoxious(OH HAVE FUN STICKING NEEDLES IN YOUR ARM!). i love her to death and she knows it. she actually gave me a hug when i dropped her off and she didn't cringe or say NO!!! like she usually does :)

spending some quality time with my moesey has definitely made me feel a little better about the way things are going.

i just need to get the balance back, and moe definitely balances me out.

and i blame myself because i make things hard and you're just trying to help.

today was so uneventful. but it seems thats my life full of everything but events. this blog is going to be about absolutely nothing because thats what happened to me today. i have nothing to say i am thinking nothing. it's like the show about nothing except it's the blog about nothing. theres nothing weird about this NOTHING! you really look at the word nothing differently after awhile, it's not just nothing i'ts no thing.
for some reason my playlist ALWAYS plays say anything. and believe me i love say anything(not as much as me) but it gets annoying after awhile because i'd like to listen to other things it's not shuffle it's just say anything! BLABLABLA.
i don't even have thoughts rignt now, neutral milk hotel is a nice band. song against sex is playing right now. oh what....IT'S SAY ANTYING AGAIN!!!!!!
see this post is completely pointless if you take the time to read this i'm sorry that i wasted your time.
maybe i should only blog when i actually have an idea or anything to talk about rather then nothing. well thats all for now.

but i've crawled home from worse then this.

today i've been home baking with my mother darling. it's a cold september saturday and i just want to curl up with alice and keep warm. i'm so posed to be staying in lately because of last weekends adventure. i'm going to miss deposite, i won't be going there for awhile :( Jamie, Amanda, Will, Miranda, Jayhomon i'll miss them all.

in my life, in any ones life for that matter, nothing is sure but change. some just come sooner then others. at this point i'm trying to make some personal changes, it's something i have to do for myself. i just don't like the way things have been going, it doesn't feel right.

i feel like i'm running in circles, i keep making the same mistakes and i keep saying i'm not going to make them anymore. it's not that it's a lie, it's just harder then i thought.

high school just isn't my thing, i enjoy my teachers but the other students drive me insane. i don't feel that i'm above them, it's just i don't feel the need to play their silly petulant games. i have about two years left then i can leave this all behind.

but theres so much that i can't just run away from because it will fallow me where ever i go, the sooner i realize this the better. life isn't just going to fall into place and start magically being perfect. it's always going to be messy and sloppy. i will make mistakes my entire life. the point is to keep going, not just give up. i can't just go crawl in a whole because it hasn't been my day. nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

when i say lets keep in touch, i really mean i wish that'd you'd grow up

i opened up my aim and of course the annoying aim Internet came up and i glanced at it while i was closing out of it and i noticed that it said "blablabla fifth beatle bla". and it just made me think about how many times i've heard about "the fifth beatle" and it's always some one different. it's just one of those things that annoys me. there are and were four beatles there always have been and thats the way it will always be. there were a couple different members when they started like they had a different drummer and such but the four that got famous are the beatles. SO JUST STOP WITH THE FIFTH BEATLE. he doesn't exist, it's like the tooth fairy or bambi.
also ex coke head wanna be British rock stairs with fake accents and fake stage names drive me insane.

dear jamie,

i am, yet again, sitting next to jamie watching fight club. she's reading and i'm blogging. but we are listenting to edward norton narrate and explain insonia "everything is a copy of a copy of a copy". this movie makes me so happy, but the last couple of times i've watched i can't get into it because we end up talking and what not. i've heard about this movie for awhile, brad pitts first movie. kelly used to talk about it alot and she still does. she doesn't even know she always tries to sound cool by talking about things that are unpopular that people don't know about. she annoys me alot. she honestly is the most fake person i have ever known. what bothers me the most is that she acts like she cares about james but all she really cares about is partying and being cool.

most people from my school/town bug me. there are very few that don't. honestly there are very few people at all that don't bug me in some way. i'm sure i'm annoying but well i could care less anymore. i am who i am. i have flaws and short comings but own up to them and i'm working on it. i've made mistakes and unlike most ignorant 16 year old girls i've learned from them and i do worry about being stuck in susquehanna forever. i have goals, not just dreams, that i con accomplish. i may be uncool now but at least i'll have a life, i won't be here sticking needles in my arm or at the bar every day. functioning alcoholics, how disgusting.

i want so much more out of life then just the middle. more then being popular in high school, being at the coolest parties, sleeping with the hot guys, wearing the brand names. i'm not saying i'm above all of these things i just handle myself differently.

i guess i'm just different, i'm at a different point in my life. most teenagers have the same perspective but i think i have a different angle. i do not mind one bit. i'd rather now be like the rest of them. in the end i know i'll go further, do more, experience more, live more. even if they view living through a bottle or a needle. all i know is that i'm sick of everyone. i'm sick of myself.

tonight i won't make a difference

tonight i watched teagan and torin. they are 4 and 2 and absolutely adorable. i love them to death. torin wouldn't eat his dinner and wrecked the entire house. teagan showed me her dance and had me watch our dance recital from last year. torin closed teagans fingers in the door and of course she started bleeding. that was so much fun. so now she is laying next to me while we watch santa clause 3 filled with creepy 12 year old elfs. im also watching the WTF blanket which fancy showed me, youtube it! it is hilarious. i'm going home now.

and i wish that i could tell you right now, i love you.

love.

such a complex word. most 16 year old girls claim to be in love at one point or another. but how many of us actually are? i believe that it's a matter of opinion. who am i to judge your feelings for somebody? unless i can get into your head and think and feel exactly as you do, it's completely impossible. i will never tell anyone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!" many people have tried to tell me over the years. it always made me angry, mostly because i hate being told what to do or that i'm wrong, but also because half the time they didn't know what love is themselves, or so it would seem to me. am i making sense at all?

the thing is, at this point in my life i have loved a lot of people. i'm a sucker for a sweet talker, and so much more. there are a few people who did deserve to have my heart but things just didn't work out the way we planned. i'm glad that they are still in my life and i will always remember them. on the other hand there are a couple people who did not deserve me at all. i know i sound stuck up, but it's true. nobody should be treated the way some guys have done to me. i have been used too many times to count and most of the time i was head over heels while they could care less. i'm beginning to believe that every time my heart is broken it grows back even bigger, to make more room for the future. because once you love somebody, really love them, you don't ever stop...a very precious man said that to me a long time ago and i will never forget it.

if god gave me grace, then why aren't i graceful?

there are too many people that do not even remember me and i care about them. it gets me NO WHERE! at all. why do i even bother to go out of my way? why do i feel connected to these people that were once a huge part of my life? why can't i just get over the past? thats right because i'm not a junkie. i'm nobody though, i guess. nobody cares that i exist. i am nothing, a stupid little girl, but i'd rather be nothing, nobody, or a stupid little girl then sticking needles in my arm to feel anything for anybody else. i'd rather have real emotions for the people i care about then just a bunch of lies.

i'd rather be me any day, i'd rather have a real home and real friends. not just physcotic parents who are in and out of jail/rehab or "friends" that only hang out with me for drugs or so they can look cool. i'd rather be liked for who i really am then for people think i am for the image i give off.

james and sinie are two people i can not stop caring for no matter how much they hate me. yes i will back off and stay out of their lives. i do not expect them to randomly come back, because i'm not five and i know it's not going to happen. but i love them even though i wish i could hate them very much.

cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

i just got home form muffins, we had just bought snakes and were going to watch queen of the damned but my other was on her way. so now here i sit in front of my very very old junkie computer. not that my computer shoots up(not unlike somebody i know!) but it's a piece of junk.

well i told johnny to read my blog because well i just thought that no one reads my blogs. it turns out that he reads them every day with out me telling him to. which made me almost cry with happiness. i love him more than you could ever imagine. idc how insane that sounds. he is the sweetest person on the entire planet. me and him aren't so good right now. but for some reason we both always break down and tell eachother "i love you". he makes me incredibly sad, yet oh so happy. it seems he's always making me cry either because i want to jump off a bridge or because he's so sweet. he's the only person who thinks i'm more beautiful than i do. thats just about the first thing he said to me. he's one of the only people i love more than myself...and that takes alot. he's just as selfless as i am selfish. thats half our problem, he spoils me and i only make things worse. if i wasn't such an egotistical bastard things would work out much better for us.

and i'm sick of your tattoos...

amanda is a sweetheart, i'm on her computer right now because i've known her for about 24 hours and she likes me already. which is odd because most people find my obnoxious habbits and insane personality annoying but she enjoys it. she's talking about climbing in her window drunk AHHHH!

now we're singing mix tape. i've known her for even shorter then i've known jamie but i can not wait to spend more weekends with these two. and akela even though she'd love to make me sleep in a tent outside.

sitting here blogging with jamie, talking with amanda, drinking vitamin water just feels like exactly where i need to be. i honestly feel as if i fit in here which honestly sounds lame and all but who cares? i don't. so i just wanted to make a nice little post about me new amazing friend amanda.

ILOVEYOUJAMIEBROWN

i know that you're an angel, but you could never stay true.

THIS ENTIRE POST IS ME RANTING!!!!!!!

for some reason people seem to think i am carrying a child. I AM NOT PREGNANT! just to let all of you know. there have been a few people to mention things. if i eat too much and stick my belly out i can make myself look pregnant so my brother and i kinda have a joke where he asks me when the baby is due. it's all in good fun so i do not mind. however when zach wignall asks me if i had my baby i kinda get offended. OR when people leave me picture comments asking "how far along are you?" i cry a little and start planning ways to cause them massive amounts of pain!

secondly, BELLA SWAN is the most annoying character in the history of vampire books. she just wins about how she is not good enough for EC and blablabla i'm lame bla. she makes me extremely angry. then kristen stewart just tops it all off. she is so ugly and terrible at acting. seriously what does she have going for her? she constantly looks confused, wheres bowling shirts, has a mullet, makes cat noises, has weird teeth, talks the same in every single movie she is in. i loath kristen stewart and bella swan, and i mega loath kristen stewart as bella swan. i just do not understand what is so great about her. really? she is just completely terrible she doesn't even act she just stands there and looks confused!!!

i'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what i've got.

i have just woken up and i'm sitting next to jamie my muffin :). she feels like she got hit by a train and i am surprised i'm functioning and able to put sentences together. i'm having some trouble typing right now. i feel very similar to jamie. my throat feels like i tried to swallow a curling iron. i feel washed up. i think i'm done for now.