and i wish that i could tell you right now, i love you.

love.

such a complex word. most 16 year old girls claim to be in love at one point or another. but how many of us actually are? i believe that it's a matter of opinion. who am i to judge your feelings for somebody? unless i can get into your head and think and feel exactly as you do, it's completely impossible. i will never tell anyone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!" many people have tried to tell me over the years. it always made me angry, mostly because i hate being told what to do or that i'm wrong, but also because half the time they didn't know what love is themselves, or so it would seem to me. am i making sense at all?

the thing is, at this point in my life i have loved a lot of people. i'm a sucker for a sweet talker, and so much more. there are a few people who did deserve to have my heart but things just didn't work out the way we planned. i'm glad that they are still in my life and i will always remember them. on the other hand there are a couple people who did not deserve me at all. i know i sound stuck up, but it's true. nobody should be treated the way some guys have done to me. i have been used too many times to count and most of the time i was head over heels while they could care less. i'm beginning to believe that every time my heart is broken it grows back even bigger, to make more room for the future. because once you love somebody, really love them, you don't ever stop...a very precious man said that to me a long time ago and i will never forget it.

if god gave me grace, then why aren't i graceful?

there are too many people that do not even remember me and i care about them. it gets me NO WHERE! at all. why do i even bother to go out of my way? why do i feel connected to these people that were once a huge part of my life? why can't i just get over the past? thats right because i'm not a junkie. i'm nobody though, i guess. nobody cares that i exist. i am nothing, a stupid little girl, but i'd rather be nothing, nobody, or a stupid little girl then sticking needles in my arm to feel anything for anybody else. i'd rather have real emotions for the people i care about then just a bunch of lies.

i'd rather be me any day, i'd rather have a real home and real friends. not just physcotic parents who are in and out of jail/rehab or "friends" that only hang out with me for drugs or so they can look cool. i'd rather be liked for who i really am then for people think i am for the image i give off.

james and sinie are two people i can not stop caring for no matter how much they hate me. yes i will back off and stay out of their lives. i do not expect them to randomly come back, because i'm not five and i know it's not going to happen. but i love them even though i wish i could hate them very much.

cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions

i just got home form muffins, we had just bought snakes and were going to watch queen of the damned but my other was on her way. so now here i sit in front of my very very old junkie computer. not that my computer shoots up(not unlike somebody i know!) but it's a piece of junk.

well i told johnny to read my blog because well i just thought that no one reads my blogs. it turns out that he reads them every day with out me telling him to. which made me almost cry with happiness. i love him more than you could ever imagine. idc how insane that sounds. he is the sweetest person on the entire planet. me and him aren't so good right now. but for some reason we both always break down and tell eachother "i love you". he makes me incredibly sad, yet oh so happy. it seems he's always making me cry either because i want to jump off a bridge or because he's so sweet. he's the only person who thinks i'm more beautiful than i do. thats just about the first thing he said to me. he's one of the only people i love more than myself...and that takes alot. he's just as selfless as i am selfish. thats half our problem, he spoils me and i only make things worse. if i wasn't such an egotistical bastard things would work out much better for us.

and i'm sick of your tattoos...

amanda is a sweetheart, i'm on her computer right now because i've known her for about 24 hours and she likes me already. which is odd because most people find my obnoxious habbits and insane personality annoying but she enjoys it. she's talking about climbing in her window drunk AHHHH!

now we're singing mix tape. i've known her for even shorter then i've known jamie but i can not wait to spend more weekends with these two. and akela even though she'd love to make me sleep in a tent outside.

sitting here blogging with jamie, talking with amanda, drinking vitamin water just feels like exactly where i need to be. i honestly feel as if i fit in here which honestly sounds lame and all but who cares? i don't. so i just wanted to make a nice little post about me new amazing friend amanda.

ILOVEYOUJAMIEBROWN

i know that you're an angel, but you could never stay true.

THIS ENTIRE POST IS ME RANTING!!!!!!!

for some reason people seem to think i am carrying a child. I AM NOT PREGNANT! just to let all of you know. there have been a few people to mention things. if i eat too much and stick my belly out i can make myself look pregnant so my brother and i kinda have a joke where he asks me when the baby is due. it's all in good fun so i do not mind. however when zach wignall asks me if i had my baby i kinda get offended. OR when people leave me picture comments asking "how far along are you?" i cry a little and start planning ways to cause them massive amounts of pain!

secondly, BELLA SWAN is the most annoying character in the history of vampire books. she just wins about how she is not good enough for EC and blablabla i'm lame bla. she makes me extremely angry. then kristen stewart just tops it all off. she is so ugly and terrible at acting. seriously what does she have going for her? she constantly looks confused, wheres bowling shirts, has a mullet, makes cat noises, has weird teeth, talks the same in every single movie she is in. i loath kristen stewart and bella swan, and i mega loath kristen stewart as bella swan. i just do not understand what is so great about her. really? she is just completely terrible she doesn't even act she just stands there and looks confused!!!

i'll give you everything you want and wish the worst on what i've got.

i have just woken up and i'm sitting next to jamie my muffin :). she feels like she got hit by a train and i am surprised i'm functioning and able to put sentences together. i'm having some trouble typing right now. i feel very similar to jamie. my throat feels like i tried to swallow a curling iron. i feel washed up. i think i'm done for now.

would you like to forget?

this new post is basically a response to jamies latest blog.

it got me thinking about how all of us have pain all of us have issues. most people have had it "rough", most people have been through something they'd like to forget, something we don't deserve to have happen to us.

i find out daily that people have had their fair share of hard times, most have hit rock bottom. it's the stronger ones that have the courage to climb back out. thats what separates us all. not how we handle our problems because we all make mistakes. it's how we bounce back and deal with the messes we make. some people can fall get back up and walk away while others get carried away.

it just makes you think....