goodbye, lay the blame on love.

so today i realized that i have had no real relationships. i've never been with anybody that actually cared more about me then themselves. OH, they all pretended to and i believed them...every single time. it's quite sad how delusional i have been this entire time.
i just wish for once i could meet a guy who is seriously going to be with me. not just looking for soemone to have sex with them.
my hands smell like hot sauce still. i'm just done, i'm just going to crawl in a hole and give up. becuase guys aren't looking for girls like me, guys don't want girls like me. random obsessive girls that have random obsessions. i'm just a mess and i just don't see how anyone could want me.
on the outside i may seem perfect. put together, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. but in all reality, i'm none of those things. i just wish the inside could match my appearance.

fear me dear for i am death.

yesterday was a pretty interesting day. it started off with me putting a bunch of clothes away then driving mitchells friend billy home then trying to get ahold of maureen...that was impossible. so then i took tina to work and went up to binghamton. after that i came home made dinner with mom and did yoga on my kitchen floor. i had to search for change so i could go get ice cream from moe while she was working. when i got over there they didn't have the ice cream i wanted so meagan gave me some free ice cream :) it was the best day of my life.
when i got home i grabbed a sweatshirt and went to kyles. i got back from there around 2 and watched some fight club then went to bed.
it was a pretty eventful saturday.

i wish you would just drink a knife!

so it's friday, and i'm at Maureens. she is down stairs showering and i am listening to dane cook. BRAIN NINJAS!!
my weekend started with me and moe walking down town to get some ice cream. it was amazing, nestle crunch flurry :D. so then once we got back and we were looking at Katherine Heigels new chinese baby we decided we HAD to watch p.s. i love you. so we walked BACK down town to rent it where i saw my dads BFFF. that was interesting people are starting to recognize me, and it's kinda odd. so then we got back and looked up lyrics for tattoos then after i sang every brand new song i could think off we started the movie. i had all i could do not to ball my eyes out completely. whenever moe heard me sigh and start to sniff she'd turn around "SHHHH don't start". this is why i love her to death.
i can not believe it is 9:16 already. i think dane cook is funny. but some people don't :P(i love how little we have in common but ily) i really don't like roman noodles. they're kinda just ok.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!

nights like these remind me of the summer of '08 when i spent everyday with moe, going to the movies with her and sean before him and sam got back together. talking all night about nothing and everything, not wanting to go back to school ever, discussing what we can't wait for, making plans we'll probably never fallow through, everyone has a best friend. but not everyone has a maureen.
so thats all for now :)

well cross my heart and hope to, i'm lying just to keep you here.

i just got back from maureens 17th birthday cinematic adventure. it started of with me driving ON THE HIGHWAY. then we got some cold stone(also known as eatable heaven). then we went to see the ugly truth which truely was just amazing. gerard butler has had my heart since i cried through p.s. i love you, also saw that with maureen odd...ANYWAY!

i had so much fun just talking with moes through the credits, she worked over the summer then school started and things have just gotten complicated it's good to know that in the end she's still my BFFF. she's just the complete opposite of me and we both know it. she makes me smile and she brings out my better side. everyone knows that i've made her open up a little more and she's made me alot less obnoxious(OH HAVE FUN STICKING NEEDLES IN YOUR ARM!). i love her to death and she knows it. she actually gave me a hug when i dropped her off and she didn't cringe or say NO!!! like she usually does :)

spending some quality time with my moesey has definitely made me feel a little better about the way things are going.

i just need to get the balance back, and moe definitely balances me out.

and i blame myself because i make things hard and you're just trying to help.

today was so uneventful. but it seems thats my life full of everything but events. this blog is going to be about absolutely nothing because thats what happened to me today. i have nothing to say i am thinking nothing. it's like the show about nothing except it's the blog about nothing. theres nothing weird about this NOTHING! you really look at the word nothing differently after awhile, it's not just nothing i'ts no thing.
for some reason my playlist ALWAYS plays say anything. and believe me i love say anything(not as much as me) but it gets annoying after awhile because i'd like to listen to other things it's not shuffle it's just say anything! BLABLABLA.
i don't even have thoughts rignt now, neutral milk hotel is a nice band. song against sex is playing right now. oh what....IT'S SAY ANTYING AGAIN!!!!!!
see this post is completely pointless if you take the time to read this i'm sorry that i wasted your time.
maybe i should only blog when i actually have an idea or anything to talk about rather then nothing. well thats all for now.

but i've crawled home from worse then this.

today i've been home baking with my mother darling. it's a cold september saturday and i just want to curl up with alice and keep warm. i'm so posed to be staying in lately because of last weekends adventure. i'm going to miss deposite, i won't be going there for awhile :( Jamie, Amanda, Will, Miranda, Jayhomon i'll miss them all.

in my life, in any ones life for that matter, nothing is sure but change. some just come sooner then others. at this point i'm trying to make some personal changes, it's something i have to do for myself. i just don't like the way things have been going, it doesn't feel right.

i feel like i'm running in circles, i keep making the same mistakes and i keep saying i'm not going to make them anymore. it's not that it's a lie, it's just harder then i thought.

high school just isn't my thing, i enjoy my teachers but the other students drive me insane. i don't feel that i'm above them, it's just i don't feel the need to play their silly petulant games. i have about two years left then i can leave this all behind.

but theres so much that i can't just run away from because it will fallow me where ever i go, the sooner i realize this the better. life isn't just going to fall into place and start magically being perfect. it's always going to be messy and sloppy. i will make mistakes my entire life. the point is to keep going, not just give up. i can't just go crawl in a whole because it hasn't been my day. nothing and no one will ever be perfect.

when i say lets keep in touch, i really mean i wish that'd you'd grow up

i opened up my aim and of course the annoying aim Internet came up and i glanced at it while i was closing out of it and i noticed that it said "blablabla fifth beatle bla". and it just made me think about how many times i've heard about "the fifth beatle" and it's always some one different. it's just one of those things that annoys me. there are and were four beatles there always have been and thats the way it will always be. there were a couple different members when they started like they had a different drummer and such but the four that got famous are the beatles. SO JUST STOP WITH THE FIFTH BEATLE. he doesn't exist, it's like the tooth fairy or bambi.
also ex coke head wanna be British rock stairs with fake accents and fake stage names drive me insane.

dear jamie,

i am, yet again, sitting next to jamie watching fight club. she's reading and i'm blogging. but we are listenting to edward norton narrate and explain insonia "everything is a copy of a copy of a copy". this movie makes me so happy, but the last couple of times i've watched i can't get into it because we end up talking and what not. i've heard about this movie for awhile, brad pitts first movie. kelly used to talk about it alot and she still does. she doesn't even know she always tries to sound cool by talking about things that are unpopular that people don't know about. she annoys me alot. she honestly is the most fake person i have ever known. what bothers me the most is that she acts like she cares about james but all she really cares about is partying and being cool.

most people from my school/town bug me. there are very few that don't. honestly there are very few people at all that don't bug me in some way. i'm sure i'm annoying but well i could care less anymore. i am who i am. i have flaws and short comings but own up to them and i'm working on it. i've made mistakes and unlike most ignorant 16 year old girls i've learned from them and i do worry about being stuck in susquehanna forever. i have goals, not just dreams, that i con accomplish. i may be uncool now but at least i'll have a life, i won't be here sticking needles in my arm or at the bar every day. functioning alcoholics, how disgusting.

i want so much more out of life then just the middle. more then being popular in high school, being at the coolest parties, sleeping with the hot guys, wearing the brand names. i'm not saying i'm above all of these things i just handle myself differently.

i guess i'm just different, i'm at a different point in my life. most teenagers have the same perspective but i think i have a different angle. i do not mind one bit. i'd rather now be like the rest of them. in the end i know i'll go further, do more, experience more, live more. even if they view living through a bottle or a needle. all i know is that i'm sick of everyone. i'm sick of myself.

tonight i won't make a difference

tonight i watched teagan and torin. they are 4 and 2 and absolutely adorable. i love them to death. torin wouldn't eat his dinner and wrecked the entire house. teagan showed me her dance and had me watch our dance recital from last year. torin closed teagans fingers in the door and of course she started bleeding. that was so much fun. so now she is laying next to me while we watch santa clause 3 filled with creepy 12 year old elfs. im also watching the WTF blanket which fancy showed me, youtube it! it is hilarious. i'm going home now.