you are second hand smoke

woah it has been awhile. today i'm really in the mood to make a blog and i really hope i start blogging again because i feel more centered when i get things out of my head and out into the world. i also enjoy the thought of somebody else taking something away from this, whatever that might be.
alot has changed in the past couple of months. it's a new year. but my life is still just as complicated. the coke head is nologer a part of the equation. i have a new boyfriend who just so happens to be AMAZING at life ahaha. this is a completely different relationship and he is a comepletely different kind of guy. he is actually decent, more then decent actualy. he's very good to me and he respects me more then i've ever respected myself let alone anyone else has ever respected me. i'm very happy with that part of my life.
my grades aren't that impressive. well, it's basicly just math. i failed math last year and had to go to summer school and wanted to kill myself. i'm not failing this year but i just can not keep up with math homework EVER. it's insane. i am just too lazy. math is the only class that i always have homework in and i almost never do it. it's sad i know. if just got off my ass and did the work i could be fine. i'm in algebra for gods sake. math just isn't that important to me.
i have also discovered a love for modeling and being in front of the camera. i have always loved having the spot light on me. and with this as a career it will be more positive and less obnoxious.
i really have nothing else to talk about. i thought i wanted to blog, that i had all of thse ideas in my head and then i get on here and it's just a fail...

the dreams in which i'm dieing are the best i've ever had

holy shit, it's been like 3498309483 years since i've blogged but i doubt anyone reads this. it's 7 on a sunday night and i have yet to shower.

i am so tired and i just want to crawl in a hole. just thought i'd let people know.

well i can't regret it, can't you just forget it?

tonight i'm staying with basia at her house. she's on her new lab top and i'm on her old computer. which is how we spend most nights, i'm used to blogging and what not with somebody because thats what we do at jamies. i miss jamie dearly. i miss alot of things about my summer.
the freedom, sleeping all day long, staying up all night, still talking to alot of people that no longer want anything to do with me. summer is long gone and the cold weather has taken over.
tomorrow i'm probably going to go freeze (freesen) at the football game. the first one i've been to all year. but oh well. some days i enjoy my life and the people in it. while other days i want to slaughter them all.
thats pretty much it.

goodbye, lay the blame on love.

so today i realized that i have had no real relationships. i've never been with anybody that actually cared more about me then themselves. OH, they all pretended to and i believed them...every single time. it's quite sad how delusional i have been this entire time.
i just wish for once i could meet a guy who is seriously going to be with me. not just looking for soemone to have sex with them.
my hands smell like hot sauce still. i'm just done, i'm just going to crawl in a hole and give up. becuase guys aren't looking for girls like me, guys don't want girls like me. random obsessive girls that have random obsessions. i'm just a mess and i just don't see how anyone could want me.
on the outside i may seem perfect. put together, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. but in all reality, i'm none of those things. i just wish the inside could match my appearance.

fear me dear for i am death.

yesterday was a pretty interesting day. it started off with me putting a bunch of clothes away then driving mitchells friend billy home then trying to get ahold of maureen...that was impossible. so then i took tina to work and went up to binghamton. after that i came home made dinner with mom and did yoga on my kitchen floor. i had to search for change so i could go get ice cream from moe while she was working. when i got over there they didn't have the ice cream i wanted so meagan gave me some free ice cream :) it was the best day of my life.
when i got home i grabbed a sweatshirt and went to kyles. i got back from there around 2 and watched some fight club then went to bed.
it was a pretty eventful saturday.

i wish you would just drink a knife!

so it's friday, and i'm at Maureens. she is down stairs showering and i am listening to dane cook. BRAIN NINJAS!!
my weekend started with me and moe walking down town to get some ice cream. it was amazing, nestle crunch flurry :D. so then once we got back and we were looking at Katherine Heigels new chinese baby we decided we HAD to watch p.s. i love you. so we walked BACK down town to rent it where i saw my dads BFFF. that was interesting people are starting to recognize me, and it's kinda odd. so then we got back and looked up lyrics for tattoos then after i sang every brand new song i could think off we started the movie. i had all i could do not to ball my eyes out completely. whenever moe heard me sigh and start to sniff she'd turn around "SHHHH don't start". this is why i love her to death.
i can not believe it is 9:16 already. i think dane cook is funny. but some people don't :P(i love how little we have in common but ily) i really don't like roman noodles. they're kinda just ok.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW!

nights like these remind me of the summer of '08 when i spent everyday with moe, going to the movies with her and sean before him and sam got back together. talking all night about nothing and everything, not wanting to go back to school ever, discussing what we can't wait for, making plans we'll probably never fallow through, everyone has a best friend. but not everyone has a maureen.
so thats all for now :)

well cross my heart and hope to, i'm lying just to keep you here.

i just got back from maureens 17th birthday cinematic adventure. it started of with me driving ON THE HIGHWAY. then we got some cold stone(also known as eatable heaven). then we went to see the ugly truth which truely was just amazing. gerard butler has had my heart since i cried through p.s. i love you, also saw that with maureen odd...ANYWAY!

i had so much fun just talking with moes through the credits, she worked over the summer then school started and things have just gotten complicated it's good to know that in the end she's still my BFFF. she's just the complete opposite of me and we both know it. she makes me smile and she brings out my better side. everyone knows that i've made her open up a little more and she's made me alot less obnoxious(OH HAVE FUN STICKING NEEDLES IN YOUR ARM!). i love her to death and she knows it. she actually gave me a hug when i dropped her off and she didn't cringe or say NO!!! like she usually does :)

spending some quality time with my moesey has definitely made me feel a little better about the way things are going.

i just need to get the balance back, and moe definitely balances me out.