so i'm at jamiebrowns and i had to climb in the window because the door was locked and ray was in the bathroom (as he always is when i come in?). so i'm waiting for her to get home and i'm really bored.
this blog is going to be about nothing because i honestly have nothing to blog about. also i have no deep or interesting thoughts. the kittys smell really bad. the kittys aren't actually kittys their ferrets. <3 i have a ferret.
thats really all i have to say.
this time i've got nothing to say besides doodoodoodooodooodoooooodoooododododododooodooodododddooo
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
if today it gets tired today we drop out
well i have yet again gone months without blogging. and i do miss it....yet again.
the past couple of months have been eventful i broke up with that beyond amazing boyfriend. went to prom with another amazing guy and then that situation blew up. almost every situation in my life involving a guy ends up just...bad. prom was fun though. i was on prom court so were Maureen and Basia. everyone looked and felt beautiful for one night. it was also one night that we all put our problems and issues aside and just lived in the moment and enjoyed the night completely. i finished my junior year and passed math so i now i never ever have to take math ever again. EVEN IF THERES A FIRE! so i'm pretty happy about that. also, in about a month i'm going to CT for awhile. my aunt lives up there and i'm going to go visit her and get away from this town for awhile.
but what i wanted to talk about in this post was growing up because thats what i've been thinking about lately. for some reason i had this fantasy that at some point everybody grows up and become mature. however, i'm realising that for the rest of my life people will continue to act like they are in high school. some people do grow up. for some people they are mature in one area of their life but others not so much. some people just remain at the same level. maybe by the age of 18 we are fully matured? if peoples actions and thoughts really don't change from high school to adulthood then what is the difference? why do adults think that they are so much more enlightened and mature? because from what i'm seeing people don't change. they just grow up and get married and have jobs instead of dating and going to high school. i realise that as you live you experience things and learn from them but some teenagers experience alot more in their early years than some adults do through out their entire life. but what i've been realising even more is that i need to stop expecting so much from people and from society as a whole. i expect adults to act mature and not behave the way that i see people in my high school behave. i expect people my age to appreciate that they are alive and all the beautiful things in their life. but most of them have not seen how quickly life can be taken away. at times i feel very fortunate that i have this out look on life. i try and live every second of my life. whether i'm reading or writing or just thinking. i'm always thinking, always. i tell every one of my friends or anyone that is close to me how i feel about them constantly because i don't want anyone of them to die without knowing how loved they are. i don't want to die not knowing that i didn't make a difference in one persons life. i want to make as many people as i can feel loved. i know i may seem very negative and i say that i hate everyone. but i just get annoyed and angry with people. in reality i love life and everyone that is alive. and it drives me crazy when people don't want to live and enjoy life while they still have it. i'm 17 and my life i just starting i don't plan on wasting a second of it.
in life you can't focus on what you've had or what you're going to have. you have to look at and appreciate what you have right now. because theres so much that people miss because they're worried about what they used to have or what they could have. and it makes me sad and angry and just blaaaaa. i know that most people my age or at any age don't see life this way. because they've never seen how it all could end at any minute. i'm done for now, i'm going to start blogging much more. it helps clear my head.
the past couple of months have been eventful i broke up with that beyond amazing boyfriend. went to prom with another amazing guy and then that situation blew up. almost every situation in my life involving a guy ends up just...bad. prom was fun though. i was on prom court so were Maureen and Basia. everyone looked and felt beautiful for one night. it was also one night that we all put our problems and issues aside and just lived in the moment and enjoyed the night completely. i finished my junior year and passed math so i now i never ever have to take math ever again. EVEN IF THERES A FIRE! so i'm pretty happy about that. also, in about a month i'm going to CT for awhile. my aunt lives up there and i'm going to go visit her and get away from this town for awhile.
but what i wanted to talk about in this post was growing up because thats what i've been thinking about lately. for some reason i had this fantasy that at some point everybody grows up and become mature. however, i'm realising that for the rest of my life people will continue to act like they are in high school. some people do grow up. for some people they are mature in one area of their life but others not so much. some people just remain at the same level. maybe by the age of 18 we are fully matured? if peoples actions and thoughts really don't change from high school to adulthood then what is the difference? why do adults think that they are so much more enlightened and mature? because from what i'm seeing people don't change. they just grow up and get married and have jobs instead of dating and going to high school. i realise that as you live you experience things and learn from them but some teenagers experience alot more in their early years than some adults do through out their entire life. but what i've been realising even more is that i need to stop expecting so much from people and from society as a whole. i expect adults to act mature and not behave the way that i see people in my high school behave. i expect people my age to appreciate that they are alive and all the beautiful things in their life. but most of them have not seen how quickly life can be taken away. at times i feel very fortunate that i have this out look on life. i try and live every second of my life. whether i'm reading or writing or just thinking. i'm always thinking, always. i tell every one of my friends or anyone that is close to me how i feel about them constantly because i don't want anyone of them to die without knowing how loved they are. i don't want to die not knowing that i didn't make a difference in one persons life. i want to make as many people as i can feel loved. i know i may seem very negative and i say that i hate everyone. but i just get annoyed and angry with people. in reality i love life and everyone that is alive. and it drives me crazy when people don't want to live and enjoy life while they still have it. i'm 17 and my life i just starting i don't plan on wasting a second of it.
in life you can't focus on what you've had or what you're going to have. you have to look at and appreciate what you have right now. because theres so much that people miss because they're worried about what they used to have or what they could have. and it makes me sad and angry and just blaaaaa. i know that most people my age or at any age don't see life this way. because they've never seen how it all could end at any minute. i'm done for now, i'm going to start blogging much more. it helps clear my head.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
you are second hand smoke
woah it has been awhile. today i'm really in the mood to make a blog and i really hope i start blogging again because i feel more centered when i get things out of my head and out into the world. i also enjoy the thought of somebody else taking something away from this, whatever that might be.
alot has changed in the past couple of months. it's a new year. but my life is still just as complicated. the coke head is nologer a part of the equation. i have a new boyfriend who just so happens to be AMAZING at life ahaha. this is a completely different relationship and he is a comepletely different kind of guy. he is actually decent, more then decent actualy. he's very good to me and he respects me more then i've ever respected myself let alone anyone else has ever respected me. i'm very happy with that part of my life.
my grades aren't that impressive. well, it's basicly just math. i failed math last year and had to go to summer school and wanted to kill myself. i'm not failing this year but i just can not keep up with math homework EVER. it's insane. i am just too lazy. math is the only class that i always have homework in and i almost never do it. it's sad i know. if just got off my ass and did the work i could be fine. i'm in algebra for gods sake. math just isn't that important to me.
i have also discovered a love for modeling and being in front of the camera. i have always loved having the spot light on me. and with this as a career it will be more positive and less obnoxious.
i really have nothing else to talk about. i thought i wanted to blog, that i had all of thse ideas in my head and then i get on here and it's just a fail...
alot has changed in the past couple of months. it's a new year. but my life is still just as complicated. the coke head is nologer a part of the equation. i have a new boyfriend who just so happens to be AMAZING at life ahaha. this is a completely different relationship and he is a comepletely different kind of guy. he is actually decent, more then decent actualy. he's very good to me and he respects me more then i've ever respected myself let alone anyone else has ever respected me. i'm very happy with that part of my life.
my grades aren't that impressive. well, it's basicly just math. i failed math last year and had to go to summer school and wanted to kill myself. i'm not failing this year but i just can not keep up with math homework EVER. it's insane. i am just too lazy. math is the only class that i always have homework in and i almost never do it. it's sad i know. if just got off my ass and did the work i could be fine. i'm in algebra for gods sake. math just isn't that important to me.
i have also discovered a love for modeling and being in front of the camera. i have always loved having the spot light on me. and with this as a career it will be more positive and less obnoxious.
i really have nothing else to talk about. i thought i wanted to blog, that i had all of thse ideas in my head and then i get on here and it's just a fail...
Sunday, November 1, 2009
the dreams in which i'm dieing are the best i've ever had
holy shit, it's been like 3498309483 years since i've blogged but i doubt anyone reads this. it's 7 on a sunday night and i have yet to shower.
i am so tired and i just want to crawl in a hole. just thought i'd let people know.
Friday, October 2, 2009
well i can't regret it, can't you just forget it?
tonight i'm staying with basia at her house. she's on her new lab top and i'm on her old computer. which is how we spend most nights, i'm used to blogging and what not with somebody because thats what we do at jamies. i miss jamie dearly. i miss alot of things about my summer.
the freedom, sleeping all day long, staying up all night, still talking to alot of people that no longer want anything to do with me. summer is long gone and the cold weather has taken over.
tomorrow i'm probably going to go freeze (freesen) at the football game. the first one i've been to all year. but oh well. some days i enjoy my life and the people in it. while other days i want to slaughter them all.
thats pretty much it.
the freedom, sleeping all day long, staying up all night, still talking to alot of people that no longer want anything to do with me. summer is long gone and the cold weather has taken over.
tomorrow i'm probably going to go freeze (freesen) at the football game. the first one i've been to all year. but oh well. some days i enjoy my life and the people in it. while other days i want to slaughter them all.
thats pretty much it.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
goodbye, lay the blame on love.
so today i realized that i have had no real relationships. i've never been with anybody that actually cared more about me then themselves. OH, they all pretended to and i believed them...every single time. it's quite sad how delusional i have been this entire time.
i just wish for once i could meet a guy who is seriously going to be with me. not just looking for soemone to have sex with them.
my hands smell like hot sauce still. i'm just done, i'm just going to crawl in a hole and give up. becuase guys aren't looking for girls like me, guys don't want girls like me. random obsessive girls that have random obsessions. i'm just a mess and i just don't see how anyone could want me.
on the outside i may seem perfect. put together, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. but in all reality, i'm none of those things. i just wish the inside could match my appearance.
i just wish for once i could meet a guy who is seriously going to be with me. not just looking for soemone to have sex with them.
my hands smell like hot sauce still. i'm just done, i'm just going to crawl in a hole and give up. becuase guys aren't looking for girls like me, guys don't want girls like me. random obsessive girls that have random obsessions. i'm just a mess and i just don't see how anyone could want me.
on the outside i may seem perfect. put together, beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. but in all reality, i'm none of those things. i just wish the inside could match my appearance.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
fear me dear for i am death.
yesterday was a pretty interesting day. it started off with me putting a bunch of clothes away then driving mitchells friend billy home then trying to get ahold of maureen...that was impossible. so then i took tina to work and went up to binghamton. after that i came home made dinner with mom and did yoga on my kitchen floor. i had to search for change so i could go get ice cream from moe while she was working. when i got over there they didn't have the ice cream i wanted so meagan gave me some free ice cream :) it was the best day of my life.
when i got home i grabbed a sweatshirt and went to kyles. i got back from there around 2 and watched some fight club then went to bed.
it was a pretty eventful saturday.
when i got home i grabbed a sweatshirt and went to kyles. i got back from there around 2 and watched some fight club then went to bed.
it was a pretty eventful saturday.
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